Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Always the camel, never the toe.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun