[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
You Might Also Like
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”