Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
wait.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?