ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”