My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
seems like a niche market
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
What the hell is going on?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.