Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
You Might Also Like
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…