This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.