Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
HOW DARE YOU
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.