[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.