My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.