Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
eggs benadryl
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
What?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest