Fidel Castro was alive?
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Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Watermelon Boss!
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
‎”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
đź¤
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.