Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti