Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
You Might Also Like
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.