Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.