Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.