I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch