I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.