Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.