my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
how was your vacation
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.