I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My birthstone is kidney
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here