Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.