crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
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i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
This checks out
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?