Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight