I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The honesty is refreshing
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too