Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
You Might Also Like
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.