I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!