“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Breaking news:
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.