I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Name this drama.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.