medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
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My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I can’t be the only one 😂
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Body by sandwich.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet