Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!