I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.