Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
giddy up Office Depot
Before & after 😅
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.