Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.