Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You Might Also Like
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.