*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
You Might Also Like
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
This is so me 😂😂
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer