I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
What a kind woman! 😂😂