My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
my dad has had enough
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.