I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.