Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
😲 WTF? 😆
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.