This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
somebody come look at this
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe