ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.