95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve