“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
In case you needed to hear it:
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move