This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
become ungovernable
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you