I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
time machine? you mean a clock?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
three things we don’t talk about
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.