Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
You Might Also Like
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use