My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed