Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I laughed at this way too hard.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard