“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this